We hear a lot about the Big Three Sexualities — straight, bisexual and gay. Most of us assume that these three orientations encompass the universe of sexual identities. But there is a new kid on the block: The mostly straight male. To the uninitiated, mostly straight may seem paradoxical.
How can a man be mostly heterosexual? Yet the evidence suggests that more young men identify or describe themselves as mostly straight than identify as either bisexual or gay combined.
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Given such constraints, these young men were left with no place to truthfully register their sexuality, thus forcing them to be less than honest.
For my book, I spoke with 40 mostly straight young men, some over the course of several years. They were a very diverse group.
In high school, they were hipsters, jocks, nerds, druggies, skaters, class clowns, burnouts and straight-laced achievers.
Long hair, short hair, clean-shaven, bearded, tattooed, pierced, muscular, lanky, hyper and pudgy. Women, by contrast, we give more space to be sexually fluid, as the sizeable literature on the subject attests. The mostly straight man belongs to a growing trend of young men who are secure in their heterosexuality yet remain aware of their potential to experience far more.
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He might or might not be comfortable with this seeming contradiction, a hetero guy who, despite his lust for women, rejects a straight label, a sexual category and a sexual description that feels foreign.
But how much gayness? These attractions are sexual, romantic or both and can be expressed in various ways, from erotic fantasies to actual behavior.
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He might have had an intense guy crush. But to fall passionately in love with a guy is too much, though he might have quite strong feelings and cuddle with a best friend. He feels his same-sex sexuality internally more than he lives it externally. Perhaps if his culture were not so stigmatizing of same-sex sexuality he might be more inclined to express himself through tangible expressions of sex or romance — not frequently but occasionally.
It appears that developing heterosexual...
He is not a disgruntled straight man tired of sex with women, nor is he necessarily unhappy or frustrated with the availability of heterosexual sex. He may retreat from a full identification with heterosexuality, but rarely does he gravitate toward bisexuality, and almost never does he move toward homosexuality of any sort.
Thus, he is a closer cousin to straight guys than to traditional bisexual guys. A survey revealed striking contrasts across age groups.
with such issues, particularly the...
A majority of millennials endorsed the second option, which means they believe in a spectrum of sexuality. Adults from other generations preferred the first, which signifies a two-category approach — straight, not straight — to sexuality.
A few last thoughts.
Identifying as mostly straight is now largely possible because the millennial generation is adding new complexity to sexual and romantic relationships.
Contrasted with previous generations, young people today are more confident, connected, introspective, and open to change. As adolescents and young adults, they are happier and more satisfied with their lives than previous generations. They express liberal, progressive attitudes toward religion and race relations, social policies and sexuality.
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How do these values and practices play out in the future? Well, if we are prepared to accept
Im not interested in being polite or heterosexual family straight as a fourth sexual identity, we gain an increasingly nuanced understanding of sexual orientation — and its close cousin, romantic orientation.
Adapted with permission from Mostly Straight: The original version of this story misstated the title of the book from which it was adapted.
It is Mostly Straight: Sexual Fluidity Among Gay Men. Contact us at editors time. November 20, Savin-Williams is a professor emeritus of development psychology at Cornell University and the author most recently of Mostly Straight: Sexual Fluidity Among Men.
TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary on events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of TIME editors. Sign Up for Our Newsletters Sign up to receive the top stories you need to know now on politics, health, money and more. So, I took a look in the research literature on men and women being friends.
that "they don't sleep with men who are not interested in a longer relationship". Nevertheless, friendship between men and women is not impossible.
Let's stipulate one thing up front: we're talking here about heterosexual or at least bisexual. My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't Can you tell me more about being depressed? what does it feel like and Strangely enough my wife knows that I am attracted to men but Nice to see you again.
To put it bluntly, it is equally about whether your heterosexual wife. I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual Sticker.
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Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..
I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men. Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage.
I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me. I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this. My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out.
The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.
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